You Can't Ignore This... Clothes to get you noticed

Recently I've been having one of those situations where you realise that you're gradually drifting away from people you have been friends with, and it's unsettling to realise that either they haven't missed your presence or you've barely noticed how long they've been gone. As we grow up we inevitably develop new friends and shed old ones, but it doesn't get any easier, especially whilst adjusting to a period where you become invisible to people you used to know. With this in mind, I decided to cheer myself up with a list of Kerry Katona-esque 'look at me' items of clothing, rendering you anything but forgettable. Please note: these are not advisable unless you want a lot of attention and potentially a lifetime of regret.

• One of those massive tote bags that could fit a few small children in, weighs a ton and may have remnants of old sandwiches from 1990. You will stick out like a sore thumb because it is approximately half your size and gives you a dodgy shoulder slump.
  
• The Jodie Marsh approach, a.k.a. finding a few belts knocking around your wardrobe and slinging them across to make some bizarre cut-out bra thing. Do not expect anyone to call you anything other than a derogatory term, ever again.
  
• The Yves Klein approach: cover yourself in blue paint and roll around. Who needs proper clothing anyway? It's all about the performance art and the body as a paintbrush.
  
• An obscene amount of bling (or shiny jewellery, for those of you not in the know. It doesn't matter if it's real or from Poundland, as long as it's got enough sparkle to get its own spot on Strictly Come Dancing).
• A 'Kiss Me Quick' hat, teamed with socks and sandals. You'll have everyone staring, but for the wrong reasons.
• Anything Lady Gaga hasn't thought of yet, such as a hat made from old Pritt Stick, or a pair of ancient Chinese footbinding shoes.
  
• A very attractive but essentially dim boyfriend as an accessory. Useful for photo ops, but not for actual conversations or for finding a spider in the bathroom at 2am.
  

It almost makes subtlety seem worthwhile.